The Christian life, I am finding, does not grow easier with time. I somehow thought it would. I envisioned the sage men and women we would become and find only that my flesh is just as prone to wandering today as it was four years ago or four months ago or four minutes ago.
I am like the many disciples who turned back in John six, but I am also like Simon who said, "To whom else would we go? You have the words of eternal life." But I take note of the verses before, "This is a hard saying; who can listen to it?" because my grumbling heart wants to be sure God knows how difficult the way of the cross is.
"Oh yes, I know," he says. "This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless it is granted by the Father." The only access is the Father and even then only to whom it has been granted.
This is a hard saying?
How can I believe this?
How can anyone, really, believe this and keep believing it and not stop believing it when the road is long and the grime is real and the cross is heavy and the suffering is present? How do we "believe and come to know that He is the Holy One of God?" when all around us is clamoring for us to lose faith and disbelieve?
No other vice will grip my heart as tightly as doubt, which seems strange because the essence of doubt is to let go. But to whom else can I go? Who else offers not only eternal life but words of eternal life? Eternal life is not so appealing a siren call that I could not shrug my shoulders at it and live as I please today. But the words of eternal life? I live on those words. Every one of them. When betrayal of Him seems easy and his offer of life with Him seem distant, it is his words that bring me back to his sweetness, goodness, and favor.
To whom else can I go in the midst of swirling confusion, painful realization, loss of control, and the presence of fear? He has the sweetest words of eternal life and they taste good.
How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth! Psalm 119:103