I don't know

You know those people? The ones who have perfect hair and perfect teeth and perfect skin? The ones with the perfect blog and perfect story and perfect tweets? The ones with perfect families and perfect lives and perfect jobs?

Yeah. Me either.

Well, that's not entirely true. What is true is that I think I know them, but I don't really. Not when I put it all in perspective.

The other night I sat on a curbside and talked about feeling like a fraud. I talked about how I don't have the answers and the pithy things I write here take 15 minutes to type and not much more to think through. Most of life is processed inside a circular motion in my head and most of it heads down toward the drain on my soul.

I'm sure that everyone must know this about me because, well, I've never been one of those specimens of perfection you see above. I've never had a manicure in my life, my hair is the bane of my existence, my story is far from interesting or perfect, my family isn't perfect and my job has its perks, but I also sit at a desk in a corner all day. I'm sure that everyone must know that I'm deeply flawed because I know I'm deeply flawed and I wear it well.

But the truth is that sometimes I feel like you don't know that I'm deeply flawed and it's a surprise to you when I reveal that.

This week had a some raw, real writing and it also landed a lot of emails and voicemails from people concerned that I'm not alright.

You know something? I'm not alright.

It's so good though. I mean, deep in my soul, my heart, the parts of me that get bared to God alone--those parts are so good, so healthy, so raw, but do you know why? Because I'm not alright and I'm okay with not being alright. I'm okay with not being the perfect girl. I don't want to be that girl.

So what should I do? I asked my friend the other night.

Write about what you don't know, he said.

You mean like math and algorithms? I said.

He snorted in response.

The hardest things to write about are the things you don't know about.

And I don't know about a lot.

  • I don't know how to write about my grace journey, and not struggle every single day to apply that grace to myself.
  • I don't know how to have a disciplined and orderly life, without inwardly struggling with legalism and a misplaced righteousness.
  • I don't know how to write about being a joy-filled, content, active single, while still going to bed every night wondering if I'll be alone the rest of my life.
  • I don't know how to have physical touch be the primary means of receiving love, and still feel loved in the absence of it.
  • I don't know how to do math beyond college algebra, and even that's pushing it.
  • I don't know make a dress look good. Or look good in a dress.
  • I don't know how to not be self-conscious about the way I look, my smile, my crinkly eyes.
  • I don't know how to be a selfless friend at the same time as being an honest one.
  • I don't know how to not take advantage of grace.
  • I don't know how to do motion graphics.
  • I don't know how to work my camera as well as I'd like to.
  • I don't know how to keep in contact with people well, or do followup well. I'm a bad long distance friend.

The list goes on: I can't explain photosynthesis, lightening, UX or CSS, pi. Don't know all the states and capitals. Still have to concentrate to come up with the answer to 7x7. I have no idea what the population of the world is.

So these are the things I don't write about. And hear me here, I'm okay with that. This post is not me complaining about that. This is me saying, I don't have it figured out and I don't want to figure it all out. I want to trust that other people have it figured out and then make sure you know that I'm not the girl with the perfect blog and perfect story and perfect job.

That girl isn't me.

That's someone else.

Or maybe not.

What about you? What do you not know about? What are you content to just continue not knowing?