It's 8:22pm and I'm still working. Which begs the question, at what point is one classified a workaholic?
In the shower this morning, still reeling from last night's spiral down a world of anti-grace, I had to say it right out loud: you suffer from a case of the guilts, get over it. I retold a story to my brother last night, same story to my roommate, and once again to a coworker (What!? I can tell the same story three times, it was that bad!), they all said a version of the same thing: you suffer from a case of the guilts.
Which is why it's 8:22pm and I'm still working.
I have this inkling in the back of my mind who is always there, no matter how hard I try to shush him, talk over him or ignore him. He's there. He's saying, nagging, threatening: what if you fail? Better try harder. Better be better. You won't get anywhere with an attitude like that.
I think there was a sense of the prophetic, or perhaps irony, when at three days old my parents changed my name from Sarah to Lore. Sarah means princess, pampered and entitled, already won. Lore means laurel crowned, one who fights for the victory and I know this is the story of my life. I know it well.
Last night my pastor spoke about how we are uniquely wired for our ministry and I couldn't help but remember how a year ago I screamed at God, my car pulled over on the side of the road, crying hysterically, begging him to not make me a testimony of grace. Grace means hard things must be walked through and grace is not just a noun, it's also an action of sort: to be grace, extend grace, have grace, win through grace. Anything, I prayed, anything but grace.
And yet grace is the theme of my life and overcoming the mess is who I am wired to be.
Which means that I will fight the most to have grace for myself. That is how I am wired. That is why I am prone to working late hours and why I am riddled with guilt for small innocuous things. I will probably always be my own worst critic and if I meet someone who is a harsher one than me, it will only serve to make me more critical of myself.
But it also means that He will fight the most to provide opportunity for me to learn grace. He will let me spill cups of coffee in inopportune places and get bridled into buying office supplies from pushy salesmen. He will let me come into the office in the morning to a fried hard-drive and He will be gracious enough to give me circumstances and choices where the only response that can be given is grace.
Grace to you and grace to me.
"Grace to you from the Lord Jesus Christ..."
Every Epistle of Paul
day fourteen of 30 day challenge put down by one Jason Alan Churchill Thorburne Morris.