They say the Indian word for a place near me means literally Bad Air. As in, what you're breathing is bad. It might be tempting to blame all that bad air on the pollution in one of the fasting growing cities in the United States. But not so fast; it was named that far before the urban Dallasites were sipping their lattes and wearing skinny jeans and the Fort Worthians were tipping their hats to tourists gawking at cowboys and the hipsters snubbed anything that wasn't vegan. I think those Indians were onto something when they dubbed the air bad.
What I mean to say is that the allergens in the metroplex are competing for a name for themselves. And my pounding head and sleepy eyes are ready to cry surrender.
And what I really mean to say is that in the past week I've been seething mad, the boiling fearful kind, the kind that surprises you and but isn't enough to shock you into chilling out. What I also mean to say is that the little fears creep in and nag, hanging on my every thought with a well placed contradiction. I also mean to say that where there is an unfilled space, dirty things gather into corners and make defeating plans. What I'm telling you is that the ugliness on my insides has been on the outside this week.
And I thought I was so clean and victorious, didn't I?
That'll teach me.
This morning I am listening to a man talk about an active heart. He spoke of a heart that is not ignorant of the warfare with which we are faced, but instead grabs hold of truth and prepares for the circumstances. I think of a week of bad air, a stuffy head and longing heart, a harsh or needy word in my mouth instead of a gentle and loving one. I think about how ill prepared I am in my heart for the sin that manifests and turns me around again and again and again to my need for Christ, but first turns me around again and again in a cycle of sin.
I try to beat it, but the truth is that, like bad air, it's too big for me to fight and impossible for me to overcome. And before I know it, I'm ready to crawl into a hole and cover my head over with a cloak of self-pity and sleep.
So today is a day of spiritual sleep. And I don't know how to defend that or even if I should. I am tired and my soul is tired and the only thing I can rest on is that He knows and he's prepared, even if I haven't.
And we know that in all things God works
for the good of those who love him,
who have been called according to his purpose.
For those God foreknew he also predestined..
And those he predestined, he also called;
those he called, he also justified;
those he justified, he also glorified.