When I say that I am doubting things, please believe me when I deliver this caveat: I am not doubting the personhood of Christ or my salvation or the importance of local church in building the Kingdom of God. I do not doubt that the gospel has the power to save or that communion has the power to convict or that baptism has the power to deliver.

What I am doubting and what questions pulse through me all have to do with the practice of Christianity, not the core substance of it.

I know there is kickback when we question these things. A dear girl asked me today, "Did you have any regrets about...?" And I was able to say no. Not about that. In fact, it's one of the first things in my life I don't have any regrets about--and this turns me about face. What made it different?

And the more that I delve, the more I dig for the treasure, the more I see that what made it different was that I had to walk it out by myself. I had to trust that God speaks to me. To me! And that if I proceed from faith, even when it looks oh so bleak, it is not a return that I am waiting for, but a command that I am still ringing from. His voice. His daily bread.

Whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.

I am beginning to see, to understand this.

I proceed from foundations, beliefs, mine or others. I walk in blind faith, which we're told is real faith. But real faith, I am finding, is not walking toward something we trust is there even if we can't see it, stumbling forward with outstretched arms to bump into it. Real faith is starting with something certain and walking forward even if we never feel something firm in this life.