It's a trust sort of day. The sort where I lie in bed in early morning and wrestle with not seeing and still believing. I say to someone the other night that it's not faith if we can see where we're going.

This girl doesn't know where she's going.

Faith feels far away; I can make lists of pros and cons, fors and againsts, tallies marking the winner of the moment--it switches periodically: all it takes is one mark making the difference between winning and losing.

Call it cliche, but I've been meditating on what we Christians call the Hall of Faith, because we're lame like that, we need cliche sometimes when rote memorization lacks. I am stuck on verse one, because I'm lame like that, I need cliche when bulk lacks: Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things unseen.

I need a dose of assurance and a portion of conviction right now. Something, anything, to quell the feelings of doubt. It's not result that I'm looking for--honestly, I'm an adaptable sort of person. I hate change, but we're old friends and we meld quickly. It's just trust for today. By faith men of old gained approval. It was credited to Abraham that he believed, not that he always did the right thing, not that it always worked out for his or God's advantage, but that he believed.

I don't believe, but I want to believe. I want to want to believe. And I want, more than all of that, to believe just for today. Because today's faith builds my storehouse for tomorrow.

By faith Isaac blessed Jacob and Esau, even regarding things to come.

Hebrews 11:20