Myopic vision to say the least.

Why wasn't God satisfied with Cain's offering? Call me a pragmatist, but it's always seemed a little unfair that Cain took all the heat for what seemed like a perfectly good offering gone sour. God had never commanded that sheep be the only acceptable offering, nor had he stated that grapes and bell-peppers were unfit. All we know is that Cain's were bad and Abel's were good. Produce bad. Sheep good.

All we know is that God only knows the issues of our hearts.

All I know is that I've been concerned with the issues of my heart. Identifying those heart desires, thinking that before He can turn me in the right direction and kick my backside into motion, I have to stand before him empty handed. Nothing but the best given up, whatever 'the best' seems to me.

The truth is that I've been trying to sacrifice without identifying the sacrifice first. Like a child playing a guessing game, I stand before every possibility asking, "Is it this one?" and worse still, I imagine Him with the smug knowing negative answer to my every attempt.

The truth is that when someone asks (often recently) what it is I want, what I really want, the truth is that I don't know. The truth is that I'm tired of childish guessing games and always uncertainty. The truth is that sacrifice means little if it is just the closest thing within my grasp at the time.

This morning I understand why Cain's offering wasn't good enough. Maybe these first sons had some knowledge that I don't about why first-fruits didn't mean fruit at all, but a lamb's blood. But the real issue is that the nearest thing to our hearts doesn't necessarily mean the nearest thing around us.

So here I am again. Things surrounding me again, suffocating me and making me feel less like a daughter of the King and more like a insufficient cultivator, one whose every offering is met with a finger pointing away from the land of Eden.

The truth is my heart's desires don't really matter at all. My future is soundly in His grasp and He's not asking for all the dear things, or all the near things. He's asking for me. But, which is more, my heart's desires are always more valuable in His hands than in mine.

So, no. I don't know. But thanks for asking.