I'm being purged of some sins I wasn't aware existed. I'm being delivered from the sin of optimism. Yeah. Optimism. That worldly method of falsely accusing pain and disappointment with a chin-up attitude and a can-do spirit. I'm strong. I'm able. I'm bigger than all of this.
I'm broken.
And now, all of these things, secreted hopes, wishes, plans, desires and goals, things which have been thwarted in my life because of circumstances and seasons, are taunting me in many forms. I am undone. Because I thought that all I had to do was be expectant. I thought that being sad was a sin. I thought that to admit that I was disappointed meant that I was disappointed in God. I thought that giving was better if given with no thought for the sacrifice involved.
A friend and I sat in Starbucks today and I read this verse to her:
I now rejoice, not that you were made sorrowful, but that you were made sorrowful to the point of repentance; for you were made sorrowful according to the will of God, so that you might not suffer loss in anything through us. For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death. For behold what earnestness this very thing, this godly sorrow, has produced in you: what vindication, what longing, what zeal, what avenging of wrong! II Corinthians 7.9-11
A sorrow that leads to repentance or a sorrow that leads to death. I want the former. And if the path to repentance is a godly sorrow, a place of disappointment, in circumstances, in people, in situations beyond my control, if that is the place God takes me, so be it. I'll go. I'll go into that valley, because valleys are the places that fill first when the rains do come. I'll go into the valley, because there I am confronted with the maker of the mountains I can't climb myself. I'll go into the valley because it is there I am able to be a part of a testimony.
God isn't glorified on the plains, on the plateaus—He's glorified when we have walked in the valley of the shadow of death and known that He is with us.
He is with me. In my disappointments. In my sorrow. In the dark wrestling of my soul and in the restoration of it. In my weakness. In my failure. I haven't arrived, but I lift my eyes and behold the Maker of mountains and valleys, and trust that He knows the way through them all.
10 comments:
Hey, at least she HAS an identity, instead of spewing venom cowardly and anonymously.
We all have "wrestlings" to do in our lives, since, well, we're not perfect. Bi-polar? Perhaps. Yes. Yes. We all are. We are comprised of a spiritual being and a carnal being that compete for prominance in our lives.
Some of us recognize this. Some don't. And with that free time, I supose those "some" fill up their days trying to manipulate and discourage others...in a secret stalker-ish kinda way.
I love both polars of Lore.
and she loves both polars of me.
It was me I did it I called Lore' "bi-polar" and told her to "get some meds" because thats the kind of guy I am, but if that doesn't work maybe I will encourage her to find the salvation she seemingly lost. Just thought I would dispel all the confusion.
Ha! We knew it...Lore and I were on to you all along. It was the way you put your feet up in front of her that originally tipped us off.
ha, yeah I'm kind of irreverent like that..just so you all know this all a bunch of sarcasm I didn't really do anything (except putting my feet on the table)
To all parties concerned about my welfare or well-being:
My contact information is listed under the "address" section on the sidebar. Please note this.
Thanks.
Um, are you ever going to change my name from being HIPPO to something else...perferably that is not a large animal? (unless it's a giraffe, of course)
Wow, yeah, you're right. The chin-up attitude, which I am also guilty of quite often, is a sinful attitude, not that optimism in itself is a sin, but optimism in believing that I am bigger, and not God, is. We are nothing without Christ. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be used more of God... that should be our complete focus and aim. To be disappointed in ourselves can be good, in realizing that we are nothing, as long as it doesn't lead to self-condemnation, or complacency. Good thoughts Lore...
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