backward

Reading today: Hebrews 11 verses 15 and 16, And indeed if they had been thinking of that country from which they went out, they would have had opportunity to return, but as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God; for He has prepared a city for them.

And suddenly the past doesn't seem so serene any longer. I've held it up against the present, comparing the two and finding nothing comparable at all. Two completely different things and even the past looks just as unappealing as the present. A new and better country sounds like the only thing to look forward to, something altogether different from anything I've known before. I pray for things to go back to the way they used to be, only to find that, like Oswald Chambers said, Growth in grace is not measured by the fact that you have not gone back, but that you have had insight into where you are spiritually. That is, we will fail and things might always look the same as they do now, but if I have insight into where I am spiritually, if my soul is tuned in to the glory of Him and the sacrifice of life, than I am further along than before.

And that's somehow, right now, worth it.

He came to see me tonight. Sat at the kitchen table while I made him pasta with garlic sauce. He said it was the best thing he'd eaten in a while, but said later it was the only thing he'd eaten in a while. I put my arm around his waist and laid my head against his chest. His heart beat against my ear and I liked it so much.