Tonight my fingers found a song they hadn't for a while. In the key of D. Written by Katharina von Schlegal and entitled Be Still My Soul It was the anthem of my life for one year. I played a copy of a tape from some kids from college who sang it with a guitar and three part harmonies over and over again until I had all three parts memorized and the words burnt on my mind. The lines 'Leave to thy God to order and provide - In every change He faithful will remain' repeated again and again until I finally came to the point where I could leave to my God; what other choice was there after death was laid cold in the grave, there are some things you can argue and win with and death is not one.

Be Still My Soul. Bear Patiently the cross of grief. The Cross of Pain. Thorny ways lead to a joyful end.

Thorny ways lead to a joyful end.

How could she have known? How can you know? You can't. I can't. I couldn't and I still can't. My end hasn't come yet. And though his end was bittersweetly joyful, his way was never thorny. Does she mean us? The rest of us? Us, the left behind ones? It's a song about death, there is no doubt, but more, I think, it is a song about assurance. About trust.

About knowing that above all He knows death.

Today I say in a conversation, I would rather die than my child die. That is, in context, I would rather die than them dying of sickness or accident, but how could I stomach the death to which I was the force? His son died. His son died while crying out to His Father and, while we stood in the crowd of jeering, mocking, perverse humanity, His Father closed his eyes and pointed to us saying it was worth His death to save us?

Our sin presently. But his choice ultimately.
And I stand amazed.

Thorny ways lead to a Joyful End.

I find myself, for the first time in about five months, growing excited with the prospect of life. That is not to say I have been suicidal or standing on the brink of death recently, but apathy and stagnancy had set in and I had fallen into a dreary pit of legalism and cynicism. This past week, though tired and overworked, I have been impassioned with a new appreciation for redemption and completion. I cannot wait to see which direction this will take in the coming months.

Today a divine appointment.

I listened to Cake very loudly in my car on the way home today. So creative.