Have just gotten home this afternoon. I haven't much to write on the conference, or my thoughts on what we heard, only that I hope to be processing it all for quite a while. Even this morning driving home through Rochester, I read over my notes and was just overwhelmed with all the stuff I'd heard. Learning freshly about Who God Is and the awesomeness of His Personhood.

I will have thoughts to write down eventually.

For now I am only tired.

There is nothing more disheartening, I think, than being an idealist. If I weren't so consumed with how things ought to be, than I don't think it would be that disappointing when things aren't that way. It's not perfectionism, I certainly cannot boast in that, as much it is simply a desire to have things be right without putting the effort into making them that way.

I realized this weekend that my family, who we are and how we represent, is the thing that I take the most pride in. The single thing that dominates my idealist musings. I can take or leave any other thing I'd like to see happen or not happen and it won't bother me in the least, but I have certain ideas and certain directions I want to see us as a family moving in. But it's not happening that way. I take as much or more blame in that, but I have been so stuck in a rut of analyzation and idealism that I've not taken the steps necessary to make my part in that a little more meaningful. I've not honored them in my desire for a cleaner house, less media, more respect, more time spent doing the things I've always thought a family ought. I've not honored my parents and I've not honored my siblings.

Wake up call.

Time to take up the cross again, but why does 'take up' have to be such an action phrase?

Was reminded of this entry on the way home. I wrote it in a time where I saw changes inevitably rounding the corner of my life and knowing that I could either take the changes and eek every lesson I could from them, or I could ignore the changes and hope that I'd learn by osmosis. I wrote that I'd take them and learn, but I didn't follow through.

Or if I did follow though, the lessons weren't as ground into me as I'd like.

During small groups at the conference [of which I have never been a fan of, but these ones were quite good. Beneficial, interesting and personal all at the same time. Stirring one another on to love and good works.], I was once again awoken to the fact that my people skills are sorely lacking. Danica and I talk about how it is because we are idea people and not people people, but this is still no excuse. I am simply not interested in asking people questions about their lives and this is what I processed through on the way home; It is not that I am not interested, I am, I simply am not interested in the effort it will take to maintain a relationship with them. THIS is alarming and I hate that it reflects selfishness and pride. Yuck! I am passionate about discipleship, as long as it doesn't cut into my personal space. I am enthralled with relationship, as long as I can do it in a fifty mile radius. I am interested in everything, as long as I can pursue it on my own time.

Selfishness.