I guess the thing about writing and really writing is that you are transparent without meaning to and honest continually. Writing not for the sake of other people, not to be read, not to be one more voice in the crowd of faceless people all clamoring for a chance at fame through their writing, but that you are letting the inflow of your throughts be put on paper. Black and white. There. Present. You've said it. You had just thought it, but now you've said it. I've said it.

So, I've been thinking about so many things these past few weeks and not written them down. Why? I don't know. I guess fear of man, which proves to be a snare. I guess when the familiar feeling of a burlap sack filled with unnecessary burndens takes it place on my shoulders the accompanying inhibitions take over my mind again. It's not that i like living there, it's just normalcy to me. It's just become a bit too comfortable to take off and know that my back is uncovered adn open for criticism. Hate that. But choices are few and I'd rather take the one I know all too well then branch to one that has had so much whiplash as a painful reminder of what was and what was so shortly.

See that. It took me all of one minute to write those two paragraphs. One minute and forty two seconds. One minute and forty two seconds of complete inhibitions. I'll leave the spelling and grammatical errors intact. Cause you know. That's me. That's who I am. Errors and all.

a·moe·ba also a·me·ba
n. pl. a·moe·bas or a·moe·bae
Any of various one-celled aquatic or parasitic protozoans of the genus Amoeba or related genera, having no definite form and consisting of a mass of protoplasm containing one or more nuclei surrounded by a flexible outer membrane. It moves by means of pseudopods.

I laugh at myself sometimes.

An email from a dear one last night said this.

i was going to email you anyway tonight. did i laugh too hard at your fish story? i feel like i did, and so i feel terrible. it was funny -- all i could think was, "bob hope probably wrote a script like this!" -- but you are also my friend, and sometimes *i* get tired of people laughing. maybe you do, too. and so i don't want to be the one who laughs too much, too long, too loud. sorry.

i love you.

The fish story she talked about is funny. I'll tell you sometime. But the whole thing, which I never thought twice about reminded me that I need to laugh at myself more often. At least as often as others laugh at me.

I guess every once in a while we find out something that could have the potential of revolutionizing the way we go about life. For me one of those times was last night. I found out that as the saying goes was not what I had been saying.

The best defense is a good offense.
Only I've always thought it was The best offense is a good defense. Which, well, works for me. I'll stay in my little castle surrounded by my little moat, filled with little dragons and live there happily ever after, because after all, I have a good defense, why should I need to offense?

I guess not.