I've learned something this weekend. Hard lesson, but most are. The ones which aren't only seem to be simple and it isn't until later that we realize we haven't really learned much at all.

I began this weblog, if you will, as a way to keep in touch with six close friends who lived in other states. Phone calling was out of the question, I hate it and hadn't the money. Emailing was okay, I enjoyed it and it was fun to receive emails back, quite time consuming though. When I discovered Live Journal through a friends weblog and learned how easy it would be to keep in touch with these friends without writing six emails that all seemed the same, and they could read them on their time and only as long as they remained interested, I thought 'what a fine idea!' The thought that it would ever be discovered by others didn't bother me. I hadn't any friends besides these and at that time was firmly set in my antisocial circle and refused to be moved. Strangers reading what I wrote was also not important to me, if they find they are interested in the musings of a 19 year old farm girl, far be it from me to refuse them. So I began writing. Keeping a log for three years was quite an experience. I learned that I loved writing. I learned that my friends appreciated the flexibility of an online constant email. I learned that I thought about things more thoroughly and really wanted to be sure of their validity, more than I ever had before. I enjoyed meeting people with similar thought patterns and love of writing. It was a fun journey.

The thought occurred to me a few times after I began building friendships and meeting new people that someone could possibly stumble across this and catch a glimpse of me that I hadn't shown them yet. It was fine though. I figured, if they read it and had thoughts about it, than I had achieved, even through no direct fault of my own, the sense of transparency in relationships that I strive for. I don't just want to be honest, I want to be direct. I want to be open. I want to have no ulterior motives behind my every move. Of course I fail. I can't think myself above that, but I want to not fail. I want people to believe me as much as I want to believe them. Overall, it didn't matter to me.

But now I find that more than just one or two have stumbled across it. It seems that there are several, several people that, while I want to be honest and direct with them, knowing that I am inadvertently being honest and direct with them was a little unnerving. Knowing it could hurt them. Probably not through my writing, though I am open to suggestion, but probably because as honest and bold as I am online, I'm not in person. I don't say half of the things I say in this journal, meant for my six closest friends, aloud. Why? Frankly. Well, as much as I say I'd like to be honest and upfront and bold and faithful and loyal and personal and pure in all I say and do, I'm scared. It's easier to just write it and see it in black and white than it is to say a word aloud that cannot be erased from the slate of a relationship.

So know this, and you dear people know who you are, I never meant to be something other than the person you know. I never mean to be dishonest. I never mean to write more than you think I should. I never mean to be anything other than someone who makes mistakes and in this made a huge one. I began this as an update page, it turned into a one sided heart to heart talk. I slowly let my downhill trod into the pit of transparency turn into a cliff that I now find myself trying to unsuccessfully climb.

I'd like to apologize in person. But I don't even know who all found this. I can't know obviously and I wouldn't expect you to tell me if you did. All I ask is that you forgive me. I defrauded you and I am ashamed. I am purposing this day to be honest with all, this doesn't mean I will be one to involve myself in all the conversations that radiate around me. It doesn't mean I will always say what exactly is on my mind. But it does mean that you will know, if you care to, me.

I am discontinuing this journal today.

Goodbye, it was fun.