My heart is heavy and hurt. For a child who longs for something, that by default, can never be his. A relationship with one who pushes him away in favor of a better toy.
Idolatry.
I realize more and more the ever present stigma of this in my own life and push it away with a vengence - somehow, if only I can run in the furthest direction away from whatever holds my heart more than it should, it will somehow flee from me also, won't it? As long as my personal agenda is being met by this false form of happiness, I'll never know true joy, will I? It's only when I lay my motives aside and come seeking nothing that I find I have everything in the world.
The last chapter of Malachi.
And I will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children.
And the hearts of the children to the fathers.
Lord, I don't know what it is going to take for this to happen, you used a burning bush, a plague of frogs, a giant fish, the disappearance of the sun for a day, the death of your son and still it's not happening. How long will we stay in this disparaging position? As long as we refuse to be risen up and free of it? Why can't we see that if only it stops be a me issue and becomes a You issue that we will know restoration and reconciliation?
Why? Why? W h y? I only ask for healing, not perfection. Not completion. Not disappearance. Just healing. Is my prayer not big enough? Is my faith not firm enough? Have I not known you well enough? Or are you just waiting for the perfect time, the perfect chance to whisper your answer?
He doesn't deserve this. He is only a boy. A boy with a heart. A heart that longs to know you and love you and yet the only form of a father he sees knows and longs to see something other than himself. How can he know Your love unless he sees it modeled in someone who emulates you? God, I'm crying. I want to know. I want to understand. I want him to not just be happy and take in life accepting only what he sees on his plate, but I want him to suceed always with vision for more of what he can do because he knows that someone knows he can.
