My heart has been crying recently. I find my humanity ever pressing. I talk about humanity a lot I guess. Maybe because I see my own nature more often than I see anything else - and it most times disgusts me. I have been immersing myself in some things the past few weeks and have come to see these thoughts mirroring my own.

" "Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world," You have an anointing from the Holy One: live by it! Give yourself to God; live for him wholly and utterly; see to it that, where you are personally are concerned, the things of this world are scored off satan's books and transferred to God account. For the world passes away and the lust thereof; but he that does the will of God abides forever."
-Watchman Nee; Love Not The World

This by Watchman Nee has so begun centering who I am in this great big world. Living by a standard set by God and less by one set up of men.

"When we commit ourselves to the pursuit of holiness, we need to ensure that our commitment is actually to God, not simply to a holy lifestyle or a set of moral values. The people of my parents generation were generally honest, chaste, sober, and thrifty. They were committed to those values, but they were not necessarily committed to God. Many of them were outstanding moralist and even church people, but they were not committed to God. They were committed to their values, but NOT TO GOD. "
- Jerry Bridges; The Discipline of Grace, God's Role and Our Role in the Pursuit of Holiness

Oh, you who know me, know how much I commit to my values - to the point where they become oh so legalistic and it becomes a hated trap of what some call 'self-control', yet what I know is a trap of bound living. I want to commit my life wholly and consecrated to GOD.

Finish up your coffee love
it's getting cold
lets finish up this fight tonight
cause the sun draws neigh and I'm old

have mercy on me, I'm a girl
though I'm cruel and you cry
I won't shiver, cause I know how to break a man in two

still you're suffering my love
o, who's to blame
you might be tired, but I'm not through fanning the flame

o, by the tidings of my tongue
i lie and sing what can't be unsung
my soul torn in two by the things I say to you
by the things I say to you

o, I know how to break a man. . . in two
- jen knapp; The Way I Am: In Two [the lament]

Well, I can't say this touches me for the argument that seems to be ensuing, but rather the line 'I know how to break a man in two'. I forget, all girls do, how much leeway we pull in the opposite sex. Our words, quickly and rash, break them. We can say they deserve it, but it's not true. It never is. No one deserves it, equally not you. But, it is our words that BREAK them. Their words merely scar us.

"Perhaps we must accept our brokenness and not try to repress it before we can affirm the goodness of Good Friday, and all that it promises. We are all broken, we human creatures, and to pretend we're not is to inhibit healing. It is people who consider themselves whole who tell me that the Christian promises are false, but as I look at these 'whole' people I see that they are in fact less 'whole' than some who admit their brokenness."
- Madeleine L'Engle; The Irrational Season: The Crosswicks Journal, book three

Ah, the old acknowledging my sin before I can realize the depth of what it is I have been given. This never grows old to me.

"By the grace of God we have not been left to ourselves in the matter of who is to do the initiating. Adam needed a helper. God fashioned one to the specifications of his need and brought her to him. It was Adams job to husband her, that is he was responsible - to care for, protect, provide for, and cherish her. Males, as the physical design alone would show, are made to be initiators. Females are made to be receptors, responders. It was not arbitrarily that God called Himself Israel's bridegroom and Israel His Bride, nor Christ the Head and the Church the Body and the Bride. he woos us, calls us, wins us, gives us his name, shares with us his destiny, takes responsibility for us,
loves us with a love stronger than death.
The spiritual paradigm defines the relationship of men and women specifically of husbands and wives, since that is the central human union. The symbols matter enormously. They matter enormously, because they represent the relative position of CHRIST and the CHURCH"
- Elisabeth Elliot; Passion and Purity

YES! Oh, this, THIS, is what is so beautiful about the church and marriage. The are not exclusive at all - completely inclusive and inexplicably bound together.

"The lines of my earth, so brittle, unfertile, and ready to die. I need a drink, but the well has gone dry. And we in the habit of saying the same things all over again, for the money we shall make. This is the last song that I write 'til you tell me otherwise. And it's because I just don't feel it. This is the last song 'til you tell me otherwise. And its because I just don't feel it anymore. It should be our time. This fertile youth's black soil is ready for rain. The harvest is nigh, but the well has gone dry. And they in the habit of saying the same things all over again about the money we shall make. This is the last song that I write 'til you tell me otherwise. And it's because I just don't feel it. This is the last song 'til you tell me otherwise, and it's because I just don't feel it anymore. "
-Sixpence None the Richer; Matt Slocum: The Lines of My Earth

The repetition of life gets me down, doing things for others while not realizing that is my purpose. My purpose to create for others. My purpose to work for others. I was created to serve.


"Hear my cry O God;
Give heed to my prayer.
From the end of the earth I call to
You when my heart is faint.
Lead me to the rock what is higher than I.
For you have been a refuge for me,
A tower of strength against the enemy.
Let me dwell in Your tent forever,
Let me take refuge in the shelter of Your wings."
- Psalm 61; David: verses 1-4

It just never gets old.

"April is the cruelest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire"
- T.S. Eliot; The Waste Land

Ah, a kindred spirit, one who understands the importance of lilacs - and yet understands more the purpose of death.

Sometime my life just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
and my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus, cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
won't you be my Prince of Peace

and I wake up in the night and feel the dark
it's so hot inside my soul I swear
there must be blisters on my heart

surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something
I don't really want
then to take what you give that
I need
and I've beat my head against so
many walls
I'm falling down, I'm falling on
my knees

And the salvation army band is playing this hymn
and your grace rings out so deep it
makes my resistance seem so thin
- Rich Mullins; A liturgy, Legacy, and a Ragamuffin Band: Hold me Jesus

The song that ought to be at least another five minutes longer, and the reason my stereo has a repeat feature. I will never grow tired of the line 'I'd rather fight you for something I don't really want, than to take what you give and I need.'

"Jesus' example [of love] also shows us that Love is under our control. He CHOSE to love us. He chose to lay down his life for us. The danger of believing that you "fall into love" is that is also means you can "fall out of love" just as unexpectantly. Aren't you glad that God's love for us isn't as unpredictable/ Aren't you thankful that God's love is under His control and not based on whim? We need to throw out the misconception that love is some strange force that tosses us around like leaves in the wind against our will. we cannot justify doing what we know is wrong by saying that "love" grabbed hold of us and make us behave irresponsibly. That's not love. We express true love in obedience to God and service or others - not reckless or selfish behavior - and we choose these behaviors."
-Joshua Harris; I Kissed Dating Goodbye

Oh. YES. This is the idea of love that I try so hard to
describe and yet fall so short in. Loving as a choice, which means if we truly are choosing to love - there is no backing out. Loving eternally.

"My Child, need I remind you? Need I remind you that you are my child and that I know the plans I have for you? You don't need a sign that I will do as I have promised you. I have promised and that is enough. Find your sufficiency not in weak signs, but in promises. Your faith will be proved. You will prove your faith. Your proof will be your faith."
- my prayer journal; February 19 2002

This word came to me in a time of intense journaling where I begged for a sign and received nothing in tangible form. It wasn't until I understood that it was faith God was asking of me and not just patience, that I could understand the fullness of these few lines.